It feels like the last few weeks have been filled with a lot, but realizing this may just be the reality of the new stage of my journey.

Work has been… interesting. As I continue to walk through my health experiences parallel to my professional experiences I am carrying space for honesty on both sides of the coin. I have been turfing questions about my own health with honesty and openness, while carrying space for and caring for others. At times I choose to not share my personal journey, other times people ask, other times it seems pertinent.

I have been living in a bubble, protecting my peace and the peace of our home. Venturing back out into the world, healthcare and interacting with others on a regular basis has been a major adjustment. Navigating the world through a new lens has required treading lightly to be gentle with myself and others as I put my new self out there. I am well aware of people being intimidated by seeing vulnerability. Vulnerability can be seen as a weakness, a trait that means caution, or as a negative attribute. Vulnerability is honesty, wrapped in a story that makes people uncomfortable. Discomfort has been my norm and daily for the past year, and wearing my vulnerability externally has become natural.

I find myself catching moments that I need to walk away or take a deep breath. These moments happen at work, in public and at home. Balance seems like a misnomer, as though you can control enough to be held in a balance. In reality, balance is a constant teeter-totter, a constant give and take. I feel stuck in a realm of contradictions and opposing forces. The same things that can threaten to tear us down are strangely the same things that hold us up. A true lesson that opposing feelings and experiences can coexist in a single moment as well as overtime.

I continue to move, continue to breathe, and intentionally make time and space for rest.

Upcoming:

A diaphragmatic hernia was confirmed on further imaging. It is not in the typical location, and likely involves some scar tissue. A robotic attempt to repair will be made, with an open thoracotomy as the fall back plan. Either way, my right lung will be deflated for safety and access. The surgeon will free the intestinal tissue and close the hole in the diaphragmatic wall with stitches or a patch. I will have a chest tube in place for a couple days and be in the hospital for 3-6 days.

Being out of survival mode for this surgery brings on a new experience when compared to my previous surgeries. The boys will be unable to come visit with me this round, adding a psychological hurdle for all of us. I am busy making plans of coordinating home and hospital life. Please feel free to reach out for more details if you happen to find yourself at the CU Anschutz campus the end of February.

The boys are doing well. Keeping life entertaining. We have also been indulging in a lot of high school wrestling, which has been surprisingly entertaining. After inadvertently sitting in the student section at one match, I actually was energized and hopeful about the future with how kind the students were to myself and the boys. The boys are trying their best at trying new foods as we add in more to our “rainbow” of food. Feel free to forward your favorite colorful dishes!

There is a lot of heaviness in the world; a lot of pain and unknowns. I get it, I feel it, and I see it. Nourishing yourself, the ones you love, and strangers can make magic happen in the darkest of times. Find a way to take action, it is the antidote to the anxiety swelling.

Mantras:

Trust the Universe. Hold space for others. Breathe.

Music:

Anna Graves, Hollow Bones