As I have prepped my mind and body for round 4 tomorrow, I want to share all the things, all the parts. So, what’s chemo really like in your 40’s with two young kids?

*Disclaimer: this is one woman’s experience being shared in hopes that if you or someone you know travels a similar route through your life journey there’s a reference, shared knowledge, and understanding.

Isolating

You can’t get sick… I am feeling like I am on Covid lockdown (avoid grocery stores, wear an N95 in public places, library pull up service, and so much handwashing and sanitizer). However, thanks to Covid everyone else has familiarity with being diligent and cognizant of runny noses and ick as well as being open to wearing masks. No matter how much you hear of other people going through a similar journey your own journey feels unique; though knowing success stories softens the levity of the journey.

Fatigue

Fatigue comes on at weird times, most pronounced during day 3-5. No matter how prepared you are, the fatigue hangs on and hangs you up for the duration of its effect. It pops up sporadically in the off days and weeks, which offers an element of surprise. There are times I am mid-conversation and have to excuse myself for a nap.

Brain Fog

An incredibly real side effect that seems to come mostly day 1-5, but also likes to be sneaky. I am doing my best to read, listen to audiobooks, add new skills, and keep moving to hopefully lessen the effects on my mind. The fog and lowered ability to communicate and tolerate others adds to temporary anxiety, frustration, and over all mood.

Nausea

Unparalleled. Cannot be compared to Norovirus, morning sickness, or roller coaster rides. Chemo induced nausea is in a category of its own. Thank goodness this is a well known side effect and there are many meds to counter the symptoms (I have 5 medications to stave off the worst of the nausea). A lot of the medications also assist with mood (the feel good chemicals in are brain and belly are closely intertwined).

Multiplies the “Mother-load”

You know the Mother-Load; have they eaten? Are they sick? Are they acting crazy? Are they getting enough love? Will they understand? Can they still be kids? Will they have health issues? Are they learning enough? Did we miss an appointment? Did we make the next appointment? How will this part of our journey affect them long term? When was the last time they showered? Also… when was the last time I showered?… Do they, will they know how much I love them?

Learning

You learn new things like; how to change and maintain an ostomy. You are relentless with insurance as you learn how to advocate for yourself for ostomy supplies and coverage of specialty imaging. You learn the names of new medications and what they are for. You learn to troubleshoot and reframe hurdles into growth opportunities (but sometimes you get fed up and just pull the cancer card to get things done). You learn A-LOT about other people and their ability to show up. You learn other people’s baggage is actually their baggage and not yours. You learn to tell more people you love them and don’t have an expectation of reciprocation because you are just so grateful for them. You learn to ask others for hugs, and you learn to feel your feels. You learn to use your mind and hope to power your body into the infusion clinic for the next round; even when everything within your being doesn’t want to go through the symptoms again.

Skin and Hair

You get to have so many creams. Your hair thins… leaving a small trail around the house and bathrooms. It may even all fall out; to me it’s a good omen the meds are working. Your scalp gets sensations; your hair feels like it is breaking off at your scalp when you let your hair down.

The Good Parts

Finding hidden pieces of myself and others has been the greatest gift. People have shown up; with food, love, gems, letters, open hearts, encouragement, gentle listening, and open arms. I haven’t hugged so many people in a very long time. Discovering I am spiritual and love all the pieces of other spiritual people now matter their practices or religious beliefs. Acknowledging that my own spirituality has carried me through many of my life experiences already and that it supports and bolsters my every day life. I know who my cheerleaders are and who to reach out to in the dark moments. My obsession with house plants aides in bringing the forest inside during these winter months. Glimmers matter (a lot) in living each day and moment. The things that move us matter (sunrise and set, nature, human connection, music and silence, movement and stillness, laughter, joy, tears, touch, aromas, good food, kindness, heartache, fear, disappointment, and awe). “Love exists to be expressed, not withheld”.

If you have read through to this point, thank you. It is an honor to share my experience, to get it out, and to exist.

Mantras:

Trust the Universe. Go straight for the liver. Connect with the now.

Music:

Sierra Ferrell, I can drive you crazy