It has been a second since an update; the ebb and flow has been intense and I needed to gather thoughts and emotions.

The portal vein embolization went “well” with blocking off the blood supply to the right side of my liver. It was uncomfortable, painful, and a bit more recovery than anticipated. Finally got moving and had a day of feeling pretty normal. Another round of chemo was in store; which was heavier in some ways than normal with nausea and being out of practice of the chemo flow. There will be more rounds of chemo following pending surgery in July. Adjusting to major changes in plans and longevity of treatment has been a challenge, but having providers that support my autonomy has been crucial in this journey.

Due to the portal vein embolization, full surgery is moved to the start of July. Preparation is in full swing, the end of the month is dedicated to pre-imaging and procedures (colonoscopy), pre-op visits, and lots and lots of grounding.
Unexpectedly, I was terminated from my job due to medical inability to complete my job requirements. This was a bit of a shock, and created a bit of side stress managing insurances and having minor identity crisis over feeling like cancer is winning in defining me. Thankfully, my department head and other providers support and determination this process has felt less isolated.

Being able to allow time and space for all of these changes has been much needed, hence the pause in posting. Things I know; I am a good Nurse Practitioner, I am a good human, I am a good mom (even if unconventional), and am loved and love my little family unconditionally. This part of the journey has been hard, but the support of those who have shown unconditional love has been immense in staying above water.

Glimmers: Support and love from all over. Acquiring 169 party cups that turned into hours of entertainment. The rain offering a moment to pause. Muddy shoes and muddy clothes from adventuring. Back to home cooked meals and a variety of foods. Movement and breath. Sanity and peace with the Universe. Hearing about Waterworld and all it’s awesomeness.

Mantras:

Trust the Universe. Grow liver. I am more than cancer.

Music:

Maggie Rogers, On + Off