Ponderings of a person whose body has been through the ringer…

My body has grown two small humans, and birthed them without epidurals. I was up and down and all around during my labors. In and out of bath tubs, on the floor, using balls and all the things, finding breath. I declined narcotics for stitching after birth and moved forward with a small hike three days after baby number one. Baby number two, we moved a bit slower, but was getting out to the pool and ponds quickly. Moving when it mattered.

Day before baby two joined us above. Day before baby one joined us below. ❤️

I had my ostomy placement after my primary cancer tumor created a blockage in my sigmoid colon. When I got home, I was already just taking Tylenol and ibuprofen. I honestly don’t remember any resting pain with my ostomy recovery. Amen for robotic surgery when possible.

Following my surgery this summer (open right liver resection, gallbladder removal, lymph node removal, and ostomy take down), there was a complication with my epidural. There were multiple human errors leading to a lack of appropriate pain control and ultimately led me to not have any recollections from the first 48 hours following surgery.

I made a personal decision to move forward with this most recent surgery (diaphragmatic hernia repair via thoracotomy) to forgo the typical standard of care that included an epidural. This was challenging for the care team to grasp; not because I couldn’t tolerate the pain, not because there aren’t other medications, but because it was out of the norm of their comfort zone. I had to advocate for myself, stay firm with my choice, and get multiple opinions on the options. The response to my choice was interesting; providers literally walking out of the room, not knowing how to respond. There was silent judgment of my choice, the bias responses that healthcare providers try to control or remain neutral during.

I know the assumptions, I have had them as a provider.

She has no idea what she is about to experience.

She doesn’t know how bad this will be.

Ugh, she thinks she has increased pain tolerance, she won’t be saying that after this.

It’s true, I had no idea what to expect. But I have learned to listen to my intuition through all my experiences this past year. I sincerely trust my body; we are ancient beings, similar to animals, we have evolved and often forget that we have primal powers passed down through generations. Our bodies may only be our shells in some ways, but they are our keepers, our vessels.

I was able to move through this most recent surgery without an epidural. I had pain, don’t get me wrong, I found my breath, and in turn, found movement. Predicted stay was 3-6 days with pain control being the biggest obstacle expected. I was sent home the day after surgery, likely due to the lack of epidural and pain controlled with oral meds.

Sometimes, I could only make the tiniest movements, micro-movements, and breathing through the discomfort. I was able to categorize the pain, where certain points were injured during surgery, which parts were starting to heal. The day of worst discomfort at home was followed by a day of rest and relief. Healing at home has immeasurable benefits for me. My biggest worry was not being around the boys. Four days post-op I was on my own floor, with my own lapdog, and my boys busy folding laundry.

I used to push my body to the limits, in a completely different way. I am so grateful to know my body’s strength and power. I am thankful for all the years of “training for life”. It is intense, the comparison of hanging on to a cliff by one hand literally and then experiencing that medically.

We can, and will, do hard but beautiful things. Trusting our guides and intuition are invaluable to living without regret and embracing the life journeys we face. Realizing that we are training each day for life, and the unknown, can put many practices into perspective. Knowing the Universe has your back, empowering. Realizing the temple and body we reside in for this human experience is our friend and copilot is a game changer. Accepting the human experience involves pain, humbling.

“If cancer were easy, everyone would do it.” - Jon

Mantras:

Holy spaceballs, my body has done some incredible things. Trust that Universe. Advocate HARD.

Music:

Paper Kites, Bloom