For close follow up, every 3 months I will be getting imaging. This time came paired with unease, caution, and a lot of self talk. Each round of imaging comes with its own unique challenges. This round included my felt/body experience of returning to the hospital of all my surgeries; stiffened body, high alert, fight or flight, the sensation of prepping to enter survival mode if needed. I kept running through my head,”you are safe, you are whole, you are healthy”. I kept taking deep breaths and did my darnedest to keep grounded.

A liver MRI takes a bit of focus, with weird breath holding prompts. I am grateful that my nervous system appreciates the banging noises and the stillness associated with lying flat with ear plugs in on a hard surface in a small tube. Getting out of the building following the test was liberating; though I was already prepping for the next phase of scanxiety; awaiting results.

I tried to stay busy, go about my business; hang with the boys, get outside, school activities, food prepping… but I definitely catch myself looking more often then I care to admit to see if the “new results” email has popped through to my inbox…

Now you would think that in over a year of so many scans and images and testing this process would become softer or easier to manage. Maybe my emotions around the lack of control and anticipation would calm… Maybe there could be a system I devise, or coping mechanisms that released some of the known tension… Naw, I am NOT good at the wait and see. I was able to connect with a couple soul sisters; got some good pep-talks, and have rallied more resilience from who knows where.

Results came through; no recurrence of cancer in the liver this round!!! Woohoo!

There is however an area of concern but undefined significance; not a clear finding… So… some back and forth… the radiologist sees one thing, the oncologist another, the surgical oncologist another, so rope in some more folks to look (thoracic surgeons). Cancer whiplash; ALL.DAY. Still waiting for more opinions to see next steps, if any regarding a diaphragmatic hernia; new, due to my diaphragm being vulnerable following the removal of so much liver tissue. It feels like the limbo phases of this journey are the lesson; being at peace without answers. More to come later this month after my visit with thoracic surgery team at CU.

Back in the living world, I am preparing to return to work on Monday. I was hoping to have more closure on the physical portion of my journey, but alas, I don’t. I was lucky enough to have a beautiful yoga session today in my community. Movement and breath. It felt so good to be with others that were dropping in to allow space for themselves and others. I will continue to move and continue to breathe, and try to take each new plan as it comes; trying to honor my body and space during my time on Earth (and my plan, is there’s an extensive amount). Love to each of you in this heavy time. Grateful to have seen each sunrise 2026 has offered thus far.

Mantras:

Trust the process and the Universe. Be present. Breathe.

Music:

Sofi Tukker, Brazilian Soul