The restart of systemic chemo was rough this round. Increased nausea, low appetite, extreme fatigue and weight loss. It was in no way enjoyable (although I don’t know that chemo is such) and brought on more than my gumption has had to previously handle. Between my surgery and chemo, we are likely going to need to move forward with a dose reduction to my chemo meds to make the next six rounds of chemo doable.

Photo courtesy of Mandy and Dave

I was thankful to be able to have somewhat of my wits back for my little’s birthday; which we celebrated low key with some pizza and ice cream cake, as well as a few rounds at the neighborhood pump track. It’s wonderful to see the joy he finds in being surrounded by people who love him and continue to shower him with that love. I am a mom, and bias, and can’t help but think about how special my two are, how much they have (had) to grow up on this journey, and high hopes that they both find their own place in the world some day (with Jon and I following and annoying them with Love to the ends of the Earth).

In reflecting on this past year, many emotions come up; disbelief, gratitude, happiness, sadness, and anger… sometimes a lot of anger. My typical mantras are trust the Universe, you were in the right places at the right time, trust your medicine and surgical teams, I’ve got this; but occasionally the WTF comes up. Believe it or not the WTF keeps me going just as effectively as the other mantras; I am the first to admit, denial has also been an off and on tool throughout this year of survival. The things I get angry at aren’t the treatments, the surgeries, or the side effects of it all; I know my body to do amazing things. What pisses me off most is that it takes things too early.

36th Birthday smooshing ❤️

In November, as I under went my urgent surgery and colostomy, cancer took my choice of stopping to breast feed on my kiddos timeline.

It took my sense of health away, which will now be forever skewed.

It has taken my best friend of 20 years from me.

As I start to feel safer in my skin and body, I find myself allowing more emotions. As I gently (sometimes not as gently) move from survival mode to living, I am finding my new self. I have no idea what the future will hold at this point, but I fully intend to be present.

Thank you for continued support, love, prayers, juju, positive thoughts, meals and presence.

Mantras:

Trust in the Universe. It’s okay it’s not easy. Breathe.

Music:

Allison Russell and Brandi Carlile, You’re Not Alone