I feel different. The world feels different. Honestly, how could my and my little family’s life be the same. It’s almost a year of extreme uncertainty, isolation, and constant adjustment to an ever changing “plan” around my healthcare and treatments. It is gutting to hear that there are too many tumors, your cancer is inoperable and that you have a year to a few years adjacent to life-long chemo. I am thankful for my years of experience in healthcare and the alignment of the Universe to step in to allow an alternative path for me.

I couldn’t accept what my ears were hearing. I was healthy, felt full of life, and mom to two kids that deserve a mom who is around for many years to come. I had worked the day of my emergency room visit for goodness sake!

Due to diligence, I finally got that visit with the CU surgical oncology team. The joy and euphoria I felt when they said their goal was CURE, I have chosen to hold onto in my deepest parts.

The statistics for being diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer are not the most uplifting. There’s about 15% of those diagnosed that make it 5 years (granted this data is pulled mostly from Medicare statistics). My mind had to shift to HOW we will get through this versus IF we get through this. My mind had to shift from “those are awful statistics” to, wow, those statistics actually don’t represent me. Also, why SHOULDN’T I be in that 15% that thrive?

I am not a statistic; I was 40, of normal weight, no bleeding or blood in my stools, no ongoing issues with colitis or any diagnosis of GI issue. I was not sedentary, eat and ate a healthy diet and haven’t had alcohol in years. I had some changes in timing of my stools in hind sight, but no overt symptoms that are classically associated with colorectal cancer. Only after my diagnosis did I find out from family members that my maternal grandmother passed of complications due to colon cancer prior to my own existence (New England ingenuity often involves avoiding of speaking about one’s own health or family history).

As I enter into round 8 for my Folfox chemo regimen, there are definitely a few points I gleaned from the past year:

1) Cancer is not a choice. It chooses us. Data will continue to shape perceptions, but just know you can do “everything right” and still get bit. It’s not a weakness, and is perhaps a hidden superpower.

2) If you have any changes in your bowel habits, don’t hesitate to ask for a colonoscopy. The prep ain’t pretty, but take it from someone who pooed out of a hole in their stomach for 7 months, it would have been so worth it. And just because screening is recommended at 45, does not mean people don’t get cancer prior to that.

3) Advocate (unrelenting) for yourself and people you love… there is rarely just one answer in healthcare. You never have to give up hope or move forward with a plan that doesn’t feel right or align with your being or goals.

All that being said… I am finally feeling a lot more well in my body. My movement of my body has increased and I was thankful to finally feel some semblance of normal the past two days. I no longer feel weak and have been loving the freedom this offers. Sleep has been really good and solid. My appetite returned this week! It has been months without the old friend.

Mantras:

Movement. Trust the Universe. Breathe.

Music:

Sam Barber, “Indigo”.