The Real of it all.

This has been a year of being given “options”… in most cases all “options” have a level of suck and a constant reminder of how normal life used to be.

Poop or don’t poop? Ostomy it is.

Shrink tumors or worsening disease? Chemo it is.

Possible cure or life on chemo? Surgery it is.

Reduce recurrence or risk it? Adjuvant chemotherapy.

Insurance or no insurance? COBRA it is.

Anaphylactic response to medication or desensitization admissions to the hospital? Admissions it is (4 total).

Three major surgeries; colostomy, portal vein embolization, and the granddaddy of them all, ostomy take down, liver resection, lymph node and gallbladder removal.

Baby procedures: port placement, colonoscopy (through ostomy and traditional route), MRIs and CTs, ECGs

I am feeling at another pinnacle of decision making. We are awaiting some results of a circulating tumor DNA test.

Side effects from chemo are piling up. My neuropathy in my feet has increased to mid calf, also arriving in my hands and fingers, as well around my teeth. It is extremely uncomfortable and requires extra attention and intention with walking, being around the house, and avoidance of things that could be harmful (extreme heat, slivers, extreme cold, etc.). Continuing chemo would mean neuropathy will continue and have more risk of being a long term quality of life change. Will I be able to balance in yoga? Will I be able to balance with running? Will I be able to hike or backpack? Will I be able to keep up with the my kids? Will I have the ability to be at work for long hours?

I just got off the phone with my oncologist. We reviewed where we are at, my symptoms and my goals of care…

I am done with chemo. Done with fucking chemotherapy. I cannot express the relief, disbelief… I am going to revel in this moment. I want to hold on to this moment.

A break. So much needed. Thoughts, juju, prayers and love that my next imaging can be good.

I get to turn 41 next week. I am here for it.

Mantras:

Thank you Universe. Love and light. Joy.